disappointment

The Love Tick

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Do you know the story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So, he goes up in this big spaceship, and he’s got this portal window, and he’s looking out of it, and he sees the curvature of the earth for the first time..

And all of a sudden, this strange ticking begins coming out of the dashboard,

*tick*

but he can’t find it,

*tick*

he can’t stop it.

*tick*

A few hours into this, it begins to feel like torture. What’s he gonna do? He’s up. in. space.

So the cosmonaut decides the only way to save his sanity.. is to fall in love with this sound.”

-Harrison Mills & Clayton Knight

I’ve started to realize that I don’t give myself nearly as much love as I tend to freely hand out to everyone around me. I feed my soul with these awful thoughts day in and day out.. and all of these flaws, all of the things I find less than desirable about myself.. they’re a ticking in the dashboard.

‘Quit smoking’ *tick*

‘Lose weight’ *tick*

‘Be more confident’ *tick*

‘Find a better job’ *tick*

‘Stay in one place’ *tick*

‘Learn another language’ *tick*

Tickticktickticktick

I’m losing it out here guys. Where does it come from? Why can’t I stop it?

“Whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing”.

Am I choosing to live with these constant issues in my life? I don’t feel like I am.. Yet here they remain. And who’s to say that if I figure a way through one, that two more wouldn’t spring up in its place?

I quit smoking (for the 1000th time.. shh.. I know). That tick is gone. What will the next one be? I’ve decided that I’m not going to find out. I’m going to fall in love with these ticks, use them as a driving force for change, then alter them to foster a more positive outlook.

The more I travel, the more I realize that geography, scenery, strangers, etc.. they’re great for making you feel like you can be better, that better things will happen to you. That’s all bullshit. Mads in the US has the same issues as Mads in Spain, or Australia, or freaking Mars. Hearing another language or eating different food doesn’t stop the ticking. Now.. changing my mindset and putting in the work? That might silence the dashboard. The ticks that come with self love will sound very different.

‘You can do anything’ *tick*

‘You are enough’ *tick*

‘You will succeed’ *tick*

‘You are deserving of love’ *tick*

This ticking won’t drive me to madness, it will drive me to happiness, to contentment, and to better treatment of myself.

Here’s to love, grace, and the ability to be better.

-Mads.

About a Boy..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being” -Albert Schweitzer

I’m going to tell you a story about a boy. A tall, dark haired boy with brown eyes and an infectious smile.

This boy is hungry. Hungry for travel, for music, for experience, for life. This boy is the most honest, open, and pure soul I’ve ever known. Now before I go into why I’m telling you about this boy, I’m going to sidebar for a minute. I’ve been on this earth for twenty-plus years, and in that time, I have found myself predisposed? No.. conditioned. Conditioned to hope for the best, but always expect the worst from people. There’s less disappointment that way, right? This mentality lends me a foundation of confusion and doubt.

Is anyone around me here for me? Or are they here because I serve a purpose for them.. I tend to assume that I’m tolerated because I bring attention, validation, reliability, whatever it is. I’ve had this mentality for so long, I’ve convinced myself that it’s normal!

Guys.. it’s messed up. It’s allowed me to damage relationships that are real because I’m constantly on edge, waiting for my usefulness to expire and the people in my life to leave me.

No more. 

There is no reason to accept behavior from others that makes me feel shitty. There was this meme I saw the other day.. it said:

Therapist:  And what do we do when we feel that way?

Me:  Prove my worth by overextending myself and trying to anticipate the                           unspoken needs of emotionally withholding people until I suddenly completely                   withdraw and never offer them affection again.

IF THIS ISN’T ME. damn.

I meet so many people traveling the way I do. Everybody’s messed up. Everybody’s guarded and confused and scared. Instead of trying to break it down and work through it, they act out against people they feel are safe. This person is sometimes me, and starting today, I’m going to put me first. I’m going to put energy into and cherish the people that are really there.. for me, with me, to love me, as is.

I deserve better. We ALL deserve better.

You know how I know? Because that beautiful brown eyed boy I was telling you about shows me what it’s like, every day. This boy makes me smile. He drives me to be better, to explore, to create. He makes sure I know that he is proud to have me in his life. Around him I feel safe and appreciated. It’s sad how foreign all of this is to me. So many of my friends give me these things and I’ve been unable or unwilling to accept or believe it. That’s going to change. I hope you all can find a person that triggers this kind of security and self worth.

To my person:

May we continue to drive, support, and inspire each other to do all of the things.

Cameron Lucas Story,

You are everything. I love you.

No Quote Will Sum it Up..

Posted on by Goingmadss

I find myself writing this on a plane, like a lot of my posts lately.. I guess flights give me space and time to think.

I’ve had a very trying past few weeks, and was prepared to write about a life altering event that my family and I went through, but it seems.. I don’t know.. like it’s not my story to tell; therefore, I’m going to vault it. I do want to talk about something else though. I want to talk to you all about friendship. It sounds so silly as I type it out. I feel like the term friendship is so arbitrary at this point. Like.. what does it even mean? To be friends with someone? Before yesterday, I firmly believed that caring about someone with everything you had would be enough, and I have sadly learned that it is not.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the most truly amazing people in my life. And if anything, yesterday brought to my attention just how important they are, and I’m not sure that I deserve them. But I cherish them. To Lauren and Ethan, I love you more than life.

I used to feel bad for my friends that were so guarded, unwilling to let people in. How miserable that must be, to see the worst in people from the start. But now.. well, I think I’m starting to understand it, and I’m just late to the party. Lucky for them to have figured it out so early on and save themselves tremendous heartbreak.

I know that you’ll never read this, but I’m going to write it to you anyway, so it’s out in the universe. Maybe if it doesn’t help us, it’ll help someone else.

You came literally crashing into my life at a time when I needed someone like you the most. You helped me find a version of myself that I thought I had lost. I love you. For everything that you are. For you, you are freedom, Jameson and ginger, and under eye freckles. You are late nights and laughter.

You are enough.

I don’t presume to actually know you. I see a lot under the surface that you’re unwilling to show me, wounds that you pretend don’t exist and treat secretly when no one’s around. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’re fine. Regardless, you became very important to me in such a short time. I’m not sure what’s to become of us now, but I pray to whatever is out there that this is not the end of our story. I’ve been replaying what happened and trying to figure out how I should’ve done it differently. I think to myself, if I had just let it go, not have gotten upset, not have expressed out loud to you that I was upset, none of it would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have spent my last night in my city for what might be the last time we see each other in an ocean of drunken sadness and disappointment.

I’m sorry.

I have another friend, one that also came into my life fairly recently who has proven herself to be quite the insightful little bitch 😜 and she suggested that I write today. She’s literally only seen me in some of the worst times of my life and she has absorbed all of it and returned to me only love and support. I see myself in her, bringing me what I try to bring to my friends. And I will make sure that she never goes through what you’re putting me through right now. I will show her that her care for me is enough, despite fights or disagreements. And I hope that she will remain open and unguarded, like I used to be. She reminds me daily that everything happens in the way that it’s supposed to. If we’re to work through this, we will. If we’re not, we won’t.

The ball is in your court bubba. Please throw it back.

Please.

Bitter.

Posted on by Goingmadss

“If you’re betrayed, release disappointment at once. By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.” -Toba Beta

It’s been so long since I last entered the blogosphere. I can delightfully say it’s because I finally started my long-awaited contract! Now before you go around excitedly telling your friends about this random blogger’s new employment status, know that I have found this new hospital to be a completely glorified dumpster fire. I won’t go into detail on their practices because who of you really care about the technical nursing details.. Just trust me when I say it’s a very chaotic… unorganized… **trying to think of the perfect descri..DUMPSTER FIRE!! Actually, picture six rabid raccoons fighting over a pizza crust on top of a pile of burning trash. Got it? That’s it. Glad we got that out of the way (and you’re welcome for the visual).

Let’s discuss disappointment. I have a TERRIBLE habit of looking toward the future through diamond studded rose-colored glasses. I always think it’s going to be better than it is and then I’m faced with crippling disappointment time and time again. This isn’t always true, there are certain things that live up to their expectations… a $68 bottle of Austrian Grüner Veltliner, the greeting from Gracie when I come home in the morning, the New York MTA Transit System.. *HA! jk on the last one* but more often than not, I sit and wonder how things I had dreamt of going so well ended up going so wrong. How do we cope when this happens? How do we change our way of thinking to ensure it doesn’t keep happening day in and day out? You tell yourself you’re not going to let it affect you. You say things like “I work to live, not live to work” and whatever other cheesy one liners you can find to make yourself feel better. But what does that solve? You’re still bitter at the end of the day and over time that bitterness accumulates. You don’t even notice how bitter and closed-off you become because the process is so gradual.

I was watching Black Mirror the other day and in one of the episodes (S4E4 Hang the DJ – AWESOME episode, check it out, Joe Cole is great) the female lead says “What if all it’s actually doing is wearing us down (…) each time you get a little bit more pliable, a little bit more broken, until eventually (…) you are so defeated and so exhausted that you just accept it, you settle. And then you have to live the rest of your life convincing yourself you didn’t”. POWERFUL stuff guys. It’s disconcerting to think this is our reality. I feel like so many Millennials settle, whether it be for a significant other or a job or being in debt. We get tired or we’re just generally lazy and don’t think that we’ll achieve or be granted what we truly want. Instead of fighting, we just lay down and take it. Why do we do that?

I’d love to know what you guys think. I can’t be the only one out there terrified that I’m unknowingly bitter and settling for things that are not enough. Send me your thoughts.

Until next time,

Mads.

Life Lessons

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” -Alexander Pope

I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve been wallowing, actually.. Engaging in a full on ugly cry fest while wearing the same clothes for more than what is socially acceptable. See, I finally got someone from the California Board on the phone and found out that my paperwork is still not going to come through in time for me to start next week. This means I’m looking at another four weeks of unemployment. You might as well bury me alive, because I have no idea what to do with myself when I’m not working.

What’s worse, I look like the real Millennial stereotype right now. A lazy, no good, entitled brat whining about what the world isn’t doing to help her succeed. I can’t help but that think that the universe is trying to teach me something that I will find very valuable in retrospect, but in the moment, this BLOWS. You can only play so many video games and binge watch so many Netflix shows (What up Narcos? and The Punisher..mmmyep) before you start literally melting into your couch. You think I’m kidding, but there’s an oddly Mads shaped impression in my living room couch right now. I find myself having full conversations with Gracie about the mouse in our apartment (I named him Darwin). You’re thinking “she’s totally lost it” and I’d say you’re thinking right. I don’t dare go and explore this city in fear that I’m going to spend my swiftly shrinking savings that has to feed me throughout the next month.

I’m not sure what else I can say right now, other than to acknowledge that I am living up to my previous assessment that I am the least interesting person in NYC. Anyway, until next time, here’s a video of Gracie with a very impressive branch: