life

The Love Tick

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Do you know the story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So, he goes up in this big spaceship, and he’s got this portal window, and he’s looking out of it, and he sees the curvature of the earth for the first time..

And all of a sudden, this strange ticking begins coming out of the dashboard,

*tick*

but he can’t find it,

*tick*

he can’t stop it.

*tick*

A few hours into this, it begins to feel like torture. What’s he gonna do? He’s up. in. space.

So the cosmonaut decides the only way to save his sanity.. is to fall in love with this sound.”

-Harrison Mills & Clayton Knight

I’ve started to realize that I don’t give myself nearly as much love as I tend to freely hand out to everyone around me. I feed my soul with these awful thoughts day in and day out.. and all of these flaws, all of the things I find less than desirable about myself.. they’re a ticking in the dashboard.

‘Quit smoking’ *tick*

‘Lose weight’ *tick*

‘Be more confident’ *tick*

‘Find a better job’ *tick*

‘Stay in one place’ *tick*

‘Learn another language’ *tick*

Tickticktickticktick

I’m losing it out here guys. Where does it come from? Why can’t I stop it?

“Whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing”.

Am I choosing to live with these constant issues in my life? I don’t feel like I am.. Yet here they remain. And who’s to say that if I figure a way through one, that two more wouldn’t spring up in its place?

I quit smoking (for the 1000th time.. shh.. I know). That tick is gone. What will the next one be? I’ve decided that I’m not going to find out. I’m going to fall in love with these ticks, use them as a driving force for change, then alter them to foster a more positive outlook.

The more I travel, the more I realize that geography, scenery, strangers, etc.. they’re great for making you feel like you can be better, that better things will happen to you. That’s all bullshit. Mads in the US has the same issues as Mads in Spain, or Australia, or freaking Mars. Hearing another language or eating different food doesn’t stop the ticking. Now.. changing my mindset and putting in the work? That might silence the dashboard. The ticks that come with self love will sound very different.

‘You can do anything’ *tick*

‘You are enough’ *tick*

‘You will succeed’ *tick*

‘You are deserving of love’ *tick*

This ticking won’t drive me to madness, it will drive me to happiness, to contentment, and to better treatment of myself.

Here’s to love, grace, and the ability to be better.

-Mads.

About a Boy..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being” -Albert Schweitzer

I’m going to tell you a story about a boy. A tall, dark haired boy with brown eyes and an infectious smile.

This boy is hungry. Hungry for travel, for music, for experience, for life. This boy is the most honest, open, and pure soul I’ve ever known. Now before I go into why I’m telling you about this boy, I’m going to sidebar for a minute. I’ve been on this earth for twenty-plus years, and in that time, I have found myself predisposed? No.. conditioned. Conditioned to hope for the best, but always expect the worst from people. There’s less disappointment that way, right? This mentality lends me a foundation of confusion and doubt.

Is anyone around me here for me? Or are they here because I serve a purpose for them.. I tend to assume that I’m tolerated because I bring attention, validation, reliability, whatever it is. I’ve had this mentality for so long, I’ve convinced myself that it’s normal!

Guys.. it’s messed up. It’s allowed me to damage relationships that are real because I’m constantly on edge, waiting for my usefulness to expire and the people in my life to leave me.

No more. 

There is no reason to accept behavior from others that makes me feel shitty. There was this meme I saw the other day.. it said:

Therapist:  And what do we do when we feel that way?

Me:  Prove my worth by overextending myself and trying to anticipate the                           unspoken needs of emotionally withholding people until I suddenly completely                   withdraw and never offer them affection again.

IF THIS ISN’T ME. damn.

I meet so many people traveling the way I do. Everybody’s messed up. Everybody’s guarded and confused and scared. Instead of trying to break it down and work through it, they act out against people they feel are safe. This person is sometimes me, and starting today, I’m going to put me first. I’m going to put energy into and cherish the people that are really there.. for me, with me, to love me, as is.

I deserve better. We ALL deserve better.

You know how I know? Because that beautiful brown eyed boy I was telling you about shows me what it’s like, every day. This boy makes me smile. He drives me to be better, to explore, to create. He makes sure I know that he is proud to have me in his life. Around him I feel safe and appreciated. It’s sad how foreign all of this is to me. So many of my friends give me these things and I’ve been unable or unwilling to accept or believe it. That’s going to change. I hope you all can find a person that triggers this kind of security and self worth.

To my person:

May we continue to drive, support, and inspire each other to do all of the things.

Cameron Lucas Story,

You are everything. I love you.

No Quote Will Sum it Up..

Posted on by Goingmadss

I find myself writing this on a plane, like a lot of my posts lately.. I guess flights give me space and time to think.

I’ve had a very trying past few weeks, and was prepared to write about a life altering event that my family and I went through, but it seems.. I don’t know.. like it’s not my story to tell; therefore, I’m going to vault it. I do want to talk about something else though. I want to talk to you all about friendship. It sounds so silly as I type it out. I feel like the term friendship is so arbitrary at this point. Like.. what does it even mean? To be friends with someone? Before yesterday, I firmly believed that caring about someone with everything you had would be enough, and I have sadly learned that it is not.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the most truly amazing people in my life. And if anything, yesterday brought to my attention just how important they are, and I’m not sure that I deserve them. But I cherish them. To Lauren and Ethan, I love you more than life.

I used to feel bad for my friends that were so guarded, unwilling to let people in. How miserable that must be, to see the worst in people from the start. But now.. well, I think I’m starting to understand it, and I’m just late to the party. Lucky for them to have figured it out so early on and save themselves tremendous heartbreak.

I know that you’ll never read this, but I’m going to write it to you anyway, so it’s out in the universe. Maybe if it doesn’t help us, it’ll help someone else.

You came literally crashing into my life at a time when I needed someone like you the most. You helped me find a version of myself that I thought I had lost. I love you. For everything that you are. For you, you are freedom, Jameson and ginger, and under eye freckles. You are late nights and laughter.

You are enough.

I don’t presume to actually know you. I see a lot under the surface that you’re unwilling to show me, wounds that you pretend don’t exist and treat secretly when no one’s around. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’re fine. Regardless, you became very important to me in such a short time. I’m not sure what’s to become of us now, but I pray to whatever is out there that this is not the end of our story. I’ve been replaying what happened and trying to figure out how I should’ve done it differently. I think to myself, if I had just let it go, not have gotten upset, not have expressed out loud to you that I was upset, none of it would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have spent my last night in my city for what might be the last time we see each other in an ocean of drunken sadness and disappointment.

I’m sorry.

I have another friend, one that also came into my life fairly recently who has proven herself to be quite the insightful little bitch 😜 and she suggested that I write today. She’s literally only seen me in some of the worst times of my life and she has absorbed all of it and returned to me only love and support. I see myself in her, bringing me what I try to bring to my friends. And I will make sure that she never goes through what you’re putting me through right now. I will show her that her care for me is enough, despite fights or disagreements. And I hope that she will remain open and unguarded, like I used to be. She reminds me daily that everything happens in the way that it’s supposed to. If we’re to work through this, we will. If we’re not, we won’t.

The ball is in your court bubba. Please throw it back.

Please.

Come and Find Me..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“You think you see me, don’t believe your eyes. That’s just a shell I left behind.. I’m no runaway, this is just a game I play. I want you to find me.” -Unknown

You know… you’d think this self discovery bullshit would have an end date right? Like eventually, you’ve got to figure it out to a manageable extent.. but you never do, do you?

I’m finding inspiration in a weird place right now. It’s 2am, in New York, and I’m sitting outside during my break from the hospital. The scene is something more beautiful than I can express in my limited writing capabilities. Empty intersection, changing street light, giant trees lit up by university lights swaying in a breeze bringing the perfect amount of chill to the air. Cigarette smoke looming around my face and a beautiful song in my ear, peace. I love this city. I love how contradictory it is. It’s loud and gross and crowded, and then it’s this. It’s addicting, never knowing what you’re going to get.

The poetry of it is a little more than I can bear right now. I love this city because I am this city. I’m loud and messy and annoying, I am peaceful and beautiful and silent. This city is confused with who it is and what it stands for, as am I. But maybe that’s just it. The confusion and contradiction is what ultimately makes it make sense. The difference between this place and me is that it owns its dysfunction. It says, here I am in all my fucked up glory, come and explore, see what you find. It’s not insecure, it’s not constantly trying to find a niche to fit nicely within.

I can learn from this place.

Mads.

Delicious Ambiguity

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. -Gilda Radner

Delicious ambiguity. I read this quote and immediately thought, “that’s what’s going down in history for me. Millennial Lived for Delicious Ambiguity“.

I’ve lived in this wild city for nine-ish months now and it’s been a lot of things. Bright, shiny, exciting, outrageous, a little.. ok a lot weird, and many other things. Most importantly for me, it’s made me very confused and conflicted. I’m here in NYC and I’m comfortable. I’m happy. I eat better, I take better care of myself, I feel challenged and intrigued on a daily basis. I could see myself here in the long term.

Then I go home for a minute. ALL these feelings come rushing back in. In Oklahoma, I’m also comfortable, also happy. My family is there, most of my friends are there, my animals are there.. it’s home, what more needs to be said.

So here’s the problem: in NYC, I feel at home, and I desperately miss Oklahoma. In OKC, I AM home and I desperately miss New York and the person it makes me feel like I am/can be. So what do I do? Is this the curse of being a traveler? I’m doomed to always missing someone, some place, some feeling? Will it get worse the more I travel? Most importantly, is it worth it to travel if it continues to make me feel displaced wherever I go? Are a collection of moments better than settling in and building something up?

I’ll have to get back to you with the answers to these questions, if I ever find them. Right now I feel a mix of the unfortunate and the blessed for my current way of life. Thanks for listening.

Mads.

Is It Hopeless?

Posted on by Goingmadss

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obselete” -R. Buckminster Fuller

I’d like to start by saying that I have this group of friends from my undergrad that are so many things, things that range from absolutely amazing to downright stubborn. These friends vary in their degrees of fortitude and apathy, ambition and ease of presence, and I adore each of them for being who they are, despite the times that I grow very frustrated when decisions they make, driven by who they are, upset me. Since moving to NYC, I’ve become closer with some of those friends, for many of them live here, and I’ve grown apart from some due to distance and life, as it goes.

I’m telling you about these beautiful humans for a couple of reasons, and not the for the obvious one that they’re majority redheads (it’s a thing, in my life). The intense pride I feel when I speak about them and their accomplishments is overwhelming. These are some of my oldest friends, and we have stuck together and been there for each other over many years and many miles. Some have lived abroad, some still are*, and even though we’re all spread across the country right now, our connections are stronger than ever. My point in telling you all of this is to explore with you what friends like these should do if they feel one of their own start to slip away. Like, really slip away.

I have a tendency to frantically try and form traditions or push everyone to meet up in a certain place, hoping it will remind us what got us here in the first place, why we all became friends. It worked a few times, but as time has progressed, it’s been harder and harder for everyone to find the time. How do you tell your friends that you’re scared we’re all going to fall apart? That these friendships have been the capstone of the most important years of your life and to think of a future without them is physically painful? How do you tell them that you fundamentally disagree with a decision that has a huge impact on their life without risking the chance that they’ll run from you and that’ll be the end? You want to protect them and tell them how you see it from your point of view, but you know it’s not something they want to hear. Do you lie? Is it more important to protect them from themselves, or to protect the friendship that you don’t want compromised? I’ve been struggling with these questions a lot lately.

They say that it gets easier as you get older, but I don’t agree with that. The problems don’t become easier, they become different, and generally, they come with more to lose. As a Millennial, I see sometimes this mindset with people my age, that if you have a simple disagreement, screw it. You’ve got 1300 FB friends and 800 followers on Insta and Cardi B follows you on Twitter so pshhh girl you’re fine, people love you, you’re doing alright. I hate that. I understand it to an extent, but I hate it. Likes and follows aren’t gestures of love, they’re gestures of boredom or envy. I sometimes think I’m the only one that feels this way. The only one that takes these relationships so seriously.

So the question is.. do I keep fighting? Or is it hopeless?

*Shoutout to Mitch, still kicking ass abroad to this day!

Bitter.

Posted on by Goingmadss

“If you’re betrayed, release disappointment at once. By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.” -Toba Beta

It’s been so long since I last entered the blogosphere. I can delightfully say it’s because I finally started my long-awaited contract! Now before you go around excitedly telling your friends about this random blogger’s new employment status, know that I have found this new hospital to be a completely glorified dumpster fire. I won’t go into detail on their practices because who of you really care about the technical nursing details.. Just trust me when I say it’s a very chaotic… unorganized… **trying to think of the perfect descri..DUMPSTER FIRE!! Actually, picture six rabid raccoons fighting over a pizza crust on top of a pile of burning trash. Got it? That’s it. Glad we got that out of the way (and you’re welcome for the visual).

Let’s discuss disappointment. I have a TERRIBLE habit of looking toward the future through diamond studded rose-colored glasses. I always think it’s going to be better than it is and then I’m faced with crippling disappointment time and time again. This isn’t always true, there are certain things that live up to their expectations… a $68 bottle of Austrian Grüner Veltliner, the greeting from Gracie when I come home in the morning, the New York MTA Transit System.. *HA! jk on the last one* but more often than not, I sit and wonder how things I had dreamt of going so well ended up going so wrong. How do we cope when this happens? How do we change our way of thinking to ensure it doesn’t keep happening day in and day out? You tell yourself you’re not going to let it affect you. You say things like “I work to live, not live to work” and whatever other cheesy one liners you can find to make yourself feel better. But what does that solve? You’re still bitter at the end of the day and over time that bitterness accumulates. You don’t even notice how bitter and closed-off you become because the process is so gradual.

I was watching Black Mirror the other day and in one of the episodes (S4E4 Hang the DJ – AWESOME episode, check it out, Joe Cole is great) the female lead says “What if all it’s actually doing is wearing us down (…) each time you get a little bit more pliable, a little bit more broken, until eventually (…) you are so defeated and so exhausted that you just accept it, you settle. And then you have to live the rest of your life convincing yourself you didn’t”. POWERFUL stuff guys. It’s disconcerting to think this is our reality. I feel like so many Millennials settle, whether it be for a significant other or a job or being in debt. We get tired or we’re just generally lazy and don’t think that we’ll achieve or be granted what we truly want. Instead of fighting, we just lay down and take it. Why do we do that?

I’d love to know what you guys think. I can’t be the only one out there terrified that I’m unknowingly bitter and settling for things that are not enough. Send me your thoughts.

Until next time,

Mads.