Respect

The Love Tick

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Do you know the story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So, he goes up in this big spaceship, and he’s got this portal window, and he’s looking out of it, and he sees the curvature of the earth for the first time..

And all of a sudden, this strange ticking begins coming out of the dashboard,

*tick*

but he can’t find it,

*tick*

he can’t stop it.

*tick*

A few hours into this, it begins to feel like torture. What’s he gonna do? He’s up. in. space.

So the cosmonaut decides the only way to save his sanity.. is to fall in love with this sound.”

-Harrison Mills & Clayton Knight

I’ve started to realize that I don’t give myself nearly as much love as I tend to freely hand out to everyone around me. I feed my soul with these awful thoughts day in and day out.. and all of these flaws, all of the things I find less than desirable about myself.. they’re a ticking in the dashboard.

‘Quit smoking’ *tick*

‘Lose weight’ *tick*

‘Be more confident’ *tick*

‘Find a better job’ *tick*

‘Stay in one place’ *tick*

‘Learn another language’ *tick*

Tickticktickticktick

I’m losing it out here guys. Where does it come from? Why can’t I stop it?

“Whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing”.

Am I choosing to live with these constant issues in my life? I don’t feel like I am.. Yet here they remain. And who’s to say that if I figure a way through one, that two more wouldn’t spring up in its place?

I quit smoking (for the 1000th time.. shh.. I know). That tick is gone. What will the next one be? I’ve decided that I’m not going to find out. I’m going to fall in love with these ticks, use them as a driving force for change, then alter them to foster a more positive outlook.

The more I travel, the more I realize that geography, scenery, strangers, etc.. they’re great for making you feel like you can be better, that better things will happen to you. That’s all bullshit. Mads in the US has the same issues as Mads in Spain, or Australia, or freaking Mars. Hearing another language or eating different food doesn’t stop the ticking. Now.. changing my mindset and putting in the work? That might silence the dashboard. The ticks that come with self love will sound very different.

‘You can do anything’ *tick*

‘You are enough’ *tick*

‘You will succeed’ *tick*

‘You are deserving of love’ *tick*

This ticking won’t drive me to madness, it will drive me to happiness, to contentment, and to better treatment of myself.

Here’s to love, grace, and the ability to be better.

-Mads.

About a Boy..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being” -Albert Schweitzer

I’m going to tell you a story about a boy. A tall, dark haired boy with brown eyes and an infectious smile.

This boy is hungry. Hungry for travel, for music, for experience, for life. This boy is the most honest, open, and pure soul I’ve ever known. Now before I go into why I’m telling you about this boy, I’m going to sidebar for a minute. I’ve been on this earth for twenty-plus years, and in that time, I have found myself predisposed? No.. conditioned. Conditioned to hope for the best, but always expect the worst from people. There’s less disappointment that way, right? This mentality lends me a foundation of confusion and doubt.

Is anyone around me here for me? Or are they here because I serve a purpose for them.. I tend to assume that I’m tolerated because I bring attention, validation, reliability, whatever it is. I’ve had this mentality for so long, I’ve convinced myself that it’s normal!

Guys.. it’s messed up. It’s allowed me to damage relationships that are real because I’m constantly on edge, waiting for my usefulness to expire and the people in my life to leave me.

No more. 

There is no reason to accept behavior from others that makes me feel shitty. There was this meme I saw the other day.. it said:

Therapist:  And what do we do when we feel that way?

Me:  Prove my worth by overextending myself and trying to anticipate the                           unspoken needs of emotionally withholding people until I suddenly completely                   withdraw and never offer them affection again.

IF THIS ISN’T ME. damn.

I meet so many people traveling the way I do. Everybody’s messed up. Everybody’s guarded and confused and scared. Instead of trying to break it down and work through it, they act out against people they feel are safe. This person is sometimes me, and starting today, I’m going to put me first. I’m going to put energy into and cherish the people that are really there.. for me, with me, to love me, as is.

I deserve better. We ALL deserve better.

You know how I know? Because that beautiful brown eyed boy I was telling you about shows me what it’s like, every day. This boy makes me smile. He drives me to be better, to explore, to create. He makes sure I know that he is proud to have me in his life. Around him I feel safe and appreciated. It’s sad how foreign all of this is to me. So many of my friends give me these things and I’ve been unable or unwilling to accept or believe it. That’s going to change. I hope you all can find a person that triggers this kind of security and self worth.

To my person:

May we continue to drive, support, and inspire each other to do all of the things.

Cameron Lucas Story,

You are everything. I love you.

No Quote Will Sum it Up..

Posted on by Goingmadss

I find myself writing this on a plane, like a lot of my posts lately.. I guess flights give me space and time to think.

I’ve had a very trying past few weeks, and was prepared to write about a life altering event that my family and I went through, but it seems.. I don’t know.. like it’s not my story to tell; therefore, I’m going to vault it. I do want to talk about something else though. I want to talk to you all about friendship. It sounds so silly as I type it out. I feel like the term friendship is so arbitrary at this point. Like.. what does it even mean? To be friends with someone? Before yesterday, I firmly believed that caring about someone with everything you had would be enough, and I have sadly learned that it is not.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the most truly amazing people in my life. And if anything, yesterday brought to my attention just how important they are, and I’m not sure that I deserve them. But I cherish them. To Lauren and Ethan, I love you more than life.

I used to feel bad for my friends that were so guarded, unwilling to let people in. How miserable that must be, to see the worst in people from the start. But now.. well, I think I’m starting to understand it, and I’m just late to the party. Lucky for them to have figured it out so early on and save themselves tremendous heartbreak.

I know that you’ll never read this, but I’m going to write it to you anyway, so it’s out in the universe. Maybe if it doesn’t help us, it’ll help someone else.

You came literally crashing into my life at a time when I needed someone like you the most. You helped me find a version of myself that I thought I had lost. I love you. For everything that you are. For you, you are freedom, Jameson and ginger, and under eye freckles. You are late nights and laughter.

You are enough.

I don’t presume to actually know you. I see a lot under the surface that you’re unwilling to show me, wounds that you pretend don’t exist and treat secretly when no one’s around. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’re fine. Regardless, you became very important to me in such a short time. I’m not sure what’s to become of us now, but I pray to whatever is out there that this is not the end of our story. I’ve been replaying what happened and trying to figure out how I should’ve done it differently. I think to myself, if I had just let it go, not have gotten upset, not have expressed out loud to you that I was upset, none of it would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have spent my last night in my city for what might be the last time we see each other in an ocean of drunken sadness and disappointment.

I’m sorry.

I have another friend, one that also came into my life fairly recently who has proven herself to be quite the insightful little bitch 😜 and she suggested that I write today. She’s literally only seen me in some of the worst times of my life and she has absorbed all of it and returned to me only love and support. I see myself in her, bringing me what I try to bring to my friends. And I will make sure that she never goes through what you’re putting me through right now. I will show her that her care for me is enough, despite fights or disagreements. And I hope that she will remain open and unguarded, like I used to be. She reminds me daily that everything happens in the way that it’s supposed to. If we’re to work through this, we will. If we’re not, we won’t.

The ball is in your court bubba. Please throw it back.

Please.

A Traveler’s Education

Posted on by Goingmadss

I turn 27 today.. 27 years on this green earth and I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in the 3 weeks leading up to now than in all those years combined.

I went to Ireland again a couple of weeks ago and it was just as wonderful as I remembered. The country reminded me of my roots, as it does, but it also brought to light the changes that have occurred within me since starting this life of travel.

Mark Twain once said “Travel is fatal to prejudice”. I’ve always liked this quote, as I feel connected to it as a traveler that considers herself extremely open and tolerant of other people and cultures. The more I travel, the more this thought settles within me, yet at the same time, I have become less and less tolerant of my own culture. I recognized an air of near embarrassment when confronted with foreign perceptions of American ideals, American food, American politics (Don’t worry, we’re going to stay plenty far away from that one in this post), and other concepts.

What happens when you no longer feel pride in where you come from? We’ve brought this perception upon ourselves by thinking that every other country will cater to us and our needs when we travel. When I go abroad, or even just to another region of the US, I want to immerse myself in their culture! I want to try their food, drink their beer, listen to their music, experience all their differing talents. We all do, right? Everyone says that, but then why do we go through the trouble of flying a million miles abroad to bitch about the lack of ranch dressing and Dr. Pepper 🙄 and compare everything to how it is at home? So yes Mark, I agree with you that travel is fatal to prejudice, but for me, it’s also fuel for my burning inward prejudices.

After Ireland, I came home to good ol’ OKC for a visit, and what a time to be back in town. For those of you that live under a rock, Oklahoma has had a massive teacher walkout occur over the past nine school days. And may I just say FOR THE RECORD: It’s about DAMN time y’all. Once more a little louder for the people in the back: FIGHT👏🏻FOR👏🏻WHAT👏🏻YOU👏🏻DE👏🏻SERVE👏🏻 Whether you would like to acknowledge it or not, teachers make the motherloving world go ’round. To make them deal with hyperactive small people or moody medium-sized people on a daily basis, make them responsible for the education of our future leaders, AND take away all of their funding? Get out of here.. what did you expect to happen?

It was interesting for me, because coming home, I was prepared to hear a massive rally cry across the state and see everyone gushing their support in any way they could. You’ll understand my surprise when I got into my brother’s car at the airport and his first comments were about how annoyed he was with the walkout! You see, he’s a senior this year and knowing he’ll have to make up those days at the end of the year has effectively ruined his life. It’s funny to see that high school bubble in action when you’re an old geezer like myself. I can see now just how naïve I was to anything bigger than my own drama back then. I hope one day he’ll be able to look back and see how important this walkout was.

My Mr. Feeny in high school was a glorious woman named Rose Ann Neal. She made me love school. She challenged me, motivated me, respected me, and made me feel like I had nothing standing in the way of my crazy successful future. She gave meaning to literature, and frankly, to high school as a whole. I can say with absolute certainty that she’s a major part of the reason I went on to finish a Bachelor’s and a Master’s. BTW Mrs. Neal, if you’re reading this, I’m heading back to school for the third time next year, so thanks for that 🤓. Can you imagine if I had gone through school in classes of 35 kids? This whole post would be full of incorrect uses of there, there, their, then, and than! I mean, have you read anything on Twitter lately? THE INJUSTICE!

What I’m trying to say is, travel, teachers, and the Oxford comma are important.

😘 Mads.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” -Peter F. Drucker

I’d like to tell you a story. Throughout these previous months, I have been flying back and forth from NYC to Oklahoma City. Almost every flight has been accompanied by delays, cancellations, and general DRAMA. I won’t go into all of them, but one of these flights brought me a certain clarity concerning a topic that is often brought up regarding the Millennial generation: respect and commitments. For our purposes, respect related to commitments.

After multiple flight changes and cancellations due to weather and other issues, I was finally on a plane to Chicago from NYC. I had only bought a ticket to Dallas this time, mostly because of the difference in price. I thought, I should easily be able to find my  way back to OKC from Dallas, no problem. I had a friend that was willing to drive to Dallas to pick me up, but with all the cancellations and delays, she was unable to make it so much later in the evening that initially planned. At this point, I had planned to stay the night at a family member’s home and get a ride from my brother in the morning. Here’s where things get interesting.

I’m sitting in the bulkhead middle seat (possibly the worst?) between an excessively self-announced film hand working DEEP in the Hollywood film industry and a burnt-out attorney eagerly asking everyone around him to download a new app he has invested interest in (It’s called Ribbon, feel free to check it out for yourself). In between the celebrity name dropping and general self-interest on my left and the desperation and self-loathing on my right, my exhausting story of unfortunate events is laid out. A woman my age seated behind me then taps my shoulder and states that she was on the same unfortunate itinerary as me and will also end in Dallas late into the evening. She then goes on to offer me a seat in her car, which she will be driving up through Oklahoma City once we land. I eagerly accept, wanting nothing more than to be home as soon as possible.

During our layover in Chicago, I help her and her wheelchair-bound grandmother with their things and get seated at the gate. Here, she begins her vetting process to decide whether or not I am a safe and trustworthy travel companion. Fast forward two hours: we have become friends on Facebook, followed each other on Instagram, and I’ve even spoken indirectly with her husband. I wait until the last second before the plane takes off, making sure that she is 100% committed to our plan, and text my family member to say I no longer need a place to stay for the night. I have now respectfully declined a familial offer of hospitality, and will allow them to go to bed without further word from me.

Fast forward a few more hours, our plane lands, and this woman finds me to take back her generous offer. She states that she now realizes she’s too tired to make the drive and will be staying in Dallas with her grandmother for the night. ***I’M SORRY..WHAT?***

Literally, I was so excited to be able to turn this into a post about how millennials are wonderful and generous and open, willing to help a complete stranger get home for Christmas. Instead, I am forced to write a post about how all those people who bash on us were right in this situation. This 20-something woman lacked respect for the commitment she had made to me, one in which I had altered other plans that were contingent on her following through. Everything worked out, I got a hotel at 1130pm and hitched a ride in the morning, but that’s not my point. I also understand that people get tired and these things happen, she prematurely agreed to something that she wasn’t able to follow through with. I’m upset because I feel like this has become a part of Millennial culture. Everyone follows the mantra of “I must do what’s right for me in this moment, regardless of how it affects anyone around me”. It makes us seem immature and unreliable and I am not a fan.

Honor your commitments people. It matters. **Rant over, thanks for hanging in there everyone**