NYC

No Quote Will Sum it Up..

Posted on by Goingmadss

I find myself writing this on a plane, like a lot of my posts lately.. I guess flights give me space and time to think.

I’ve had a very trying past few weeks, and was prepared to write about a life altering event that my family and I went through, but it seems.. I don’t know.. like it’s not my story to tell; therefore, I’m going to vault it. I do want to talk about something else though. I want to talk to you all about friendship. It sounds so silly as I type it out. I feel like the term friendship is so arbitrary at this point. Like.. what does it even mean? To be friends with someone? Before yesterday, I firmly believed that caring about someone with everything you had would be enough, and I have sadly learned that it is not.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the most truly amazing people in my life. And if anything, yesterday brought to my attention just how important they are, and I’m not sure that I deserve them. But I cherish them. To Lauren and Ethan, I love you more than life.

I used to feel bad for my friends that were so guarded, unwilling to let people in. How miserable that must be, to see the worst in people from the start. But now.. well, I think I’m starting to understand it, and I’m just late to the party. Lucky for them to have figured it out so early on and save themselves tremendous heartbreak.

I know that you’ll never read this, but I’m going to write it to you anyway, so it’s out in the universe. Maybe if it doesn’t help us, it’ll help someone else.

You came literally crashing into my life at a time when I needed someone like you the most. You helped me find a version of myself that I thought I had lost. I love you. For everything that you are. For you, you are freedom, Jameson and ginger, and under eye freckles. You are late nights and laughter.

You are enough.

I don’t presume to actually know you. I see a lot under the surface that you’re unwilling to show me, wounds that you pretend don’t exist and treat secretly when no one’s around. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe you’re fine. Regardless, you became very important to me in such a short time. I’m not sure what’s to become of us now, but I pray to whatever is out there that this is not the end of our story. I’ve been replaying what happened and trying to figure out how I should’ve done it differently. I think to myself, if I had just let it go, not have gotten upset, not have expressed out loud to you that I was upset, none of it would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have spent my last night in my city for what might be the last time we see each other in an ocean of drunken sadness and disappointment.

I’m sorry.

I have another friend, one that also came into my life fairly recently who has proven herself to be quite the insightful little bitch 😜 and she suggested that I write today. She’s literally only seen me in some of the worst times of my life and she has absorbed all of it and returned to me only love and support. I see myself in her, bringing me what I try to bring to my friends. And I will make sure that she never goes through what you’re putting me through right now. I will show her that her care for me is enough, despite fights or disagreements. And I hope that she will remain open and unguarded, like I used to be. She reminds me daily that everything happens in the way that it’s supposed to. If we’re to work through this, we will. If we’re not, we won’t.

The ball is in your court bubba. Please throw it back.

Please.

Come and Find Me..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“You think you see me, don’t believe your eyes. That’s just a shell I left behind.. I’m no runaway, this is just a game I play. I want you to find me.” -Unknown

You know… you’d think this self discovery bullshit would have an end date right? Like eventually, you’ve got to figure it out to a manageable extent.. but you never do, do you?

I’m finding inspiration in a weird place right now. It’s 2am, in New York, and I’m sitting outside during my break from the hospital. The scene is something more beautiful than I can express in my limited writing capabilities. Empty intersection, changing street light, giant trees lit up by university lights swaying in a breeze bringing the perfect amount of chill to the air. Cigarette smoke looming around my face and a beautiful song in my ear, peace. I love this city. I love how contradictory it is. It’s loud and gross and crowded, and then it’s this. It’s addicting, never knowing what you’re going to get.

The poetry of it is a little more than I can bear right now. I love this city because I am this city. I’m loud and messy and annoying, I am peaceful and beautiful and silent. This city is confused with who it is and what it stands for, as am I. But maybe that’s just it. The confusion and contradiction is what ultimately makes it make sense. The difference between this place and me is that it owns its dysfunction. It says, here I am in all my fucked up glory, come and explore, see what you find. It’s not insecure, it’s not constantly trying to find a niche to fit nicely within.

I can learn from this place.

Mads.

Delicious Ambiguity

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. -Gilda Radner

Delicious ambiguity. I read this quote and immediately thought, “that’s what’s going down in history for me. Millennial Lived for Delicious Ambiguity“.

I’ve lived in this wild city for nine-ish months now and it’s been a lot of things. Bright, shiny, exciting, outrageous, a little.. ok a lot weird, and many other things. Most importantly for me, it’s made me very confused and conflicted. I’m here in NYC and I’m comfortable. I’m happy. I eat better, I take better care of myself, I feel challenged and intrigued on a daily basis. I could see myself here in the long term.

Then I go home for a minute. ALL these feelings come rushing back in. In Oklahoma, I’m also comfortable, also happy. My family is there, most of my friends are there, my animals are there.. it’s home, what more needs to be said.

So here’s the problem: in NYC, I feel at home, and I desperately miss Oklahoma. In OKC, I AM home and I desperately miss New York and the person it makes me feel like I am/can be. So what do I do? Is this the curse of being a traveler? I’m doomed to always missing someone, some place, some feeling? Will it get worse the more I travel? Most importantly, is it worth it to travel if it continues to make me feel displaced wherever I go? Are a collection of moments better than settling in and building something up?

I’ll have to get back to you with the answers to these questions, if I ever find them. Right now I feel a mix of the unfortunate and the blessed for my current way of life. Thanks for listening.

Mads.

Beautifully Complicated

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Compassion is all inclusive. Compassion knows no boundaries. Compassion comes with awareness, and awareness breaks all narrow territories” -Amit Ray

I learned a hard lesson this week. I met someone that, for reasons I don’t yet fully understand about myself, became very important to me in a short amount of time. It’s hard for me to write this post because I plan to explore some of my own issues as I write it. I have found myself often latching onto people that I think need saving, and how presumptuous of me to think that I, in all my fucked up glory have anything to offer these people, right? What makes me more “together” than these souls I find myself longing to help somehow?

Nothing. This is what I’m starting to see. But let’s take a break from me for a moment and get back to the soul in question. I’ve become taken with this person because of this very intense dichotomy I noticed pretty early on between the outward presentation and the inward reality. On the surface, the world is seeing a messy, quirky, open-minded person that seems unfazed by all of the misfortunes they’ve experienced/brought upon themselves. Yet within just a few hours, this facade shattered to reveal someone that is so intensely sad, it makes me think of a tragic statue in a rainy courtyard.

I sensed this overwhelming air of defeat and fragility, and as I dug deeper and deeper into this person (because I’m a pushy, ignorant, brat), I just found more and more complications. I figured that this overwhelming need to protect that I was feeling would be the driving force in the others in their life as well, but I was shocked to find the opposite to be true! This shattered, broken person I saw to be so obviously screaming for love and acceptance and help, was treated by their peers in a way that worsened my attachment to the idea of saving them. How could they not see it? How can they be so cruel to someone that’s so broken?

Back to me for a spell. My internal dialogue starts going into overdrive. Am I falling into a trap? Am I so utterly insightful that I’m seeing through all the bullshit these other people are blinded by and seeing the true person underneath, making me their only hope? Or am I the ignoramus that is falling for this person’s instinctual manipulative behavior that gets them the attention they want? What am I risking with either direction.. on the one hand I could make a real difference in somebody’s life that really needs it. On the other, I look like an idiot when it turns out they were right all along and I played right into it.

With this particular case, I risked my intellectualism and dignity and did everything I could to make it clear I wanted to help, to be this person with which they could crack it all open and feel accepted. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. I’m still not sure whether my assessment of this person is correct.. but I know now that whether it was all an act or not.. they didn’t want to be helped. Or maybe they did, and then changed their mind.

I think there are a lot of these people out there, that don’t want to be helped. Maybe they’re comfortable in their misery, or too scared of what it will be like to live with accountability for their actions and feelings. Whatever it is, I feel true sorrow for them. Everyone should have at least one person in their lives that allows them to be exactly who they are all of the time, who makes them feel adequate and accepted. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to help these people, for whatever reasons about myself in which I remain naïve, but one day it’s going to work. I firmly believe that my incessant digging and meddling will one day pay off by helping that one person that wants it.

Is this the right ending to this post? Or am I supposed to end it with the very stereotypical Millennial response of “time to let it go and start caring for myself instead”.

Thanks for unpacking all of that with me, you guys are the best,

Mads.

Is It Hopeless?

Posted on by Goingmadss

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obselete” -R. Buckminster Fuller

I’d like to start by saying that I have this group of friends from my undergrad that are so many things, things that range from absolutely amazing to downright stubborn. These friends vary in their degrees of fortitude and apathy, ambition and ease of presence, and I adore each of them for being who they are, despite the times that I grow very frustrated when decisions they make, driven by who they are, upset me. Since moving to NYC, I’ve become closer with some of those friends, for many of them live here, and I’ve grown apart from some due to distance and life, as it goes.

I’m telling you about these beautiful humans for a couple of reasons, and not the for the obvious one that they’re majority redheads (it’s a thing, in my life). The intense pride I feel when I speak about them and their accomplishments is overwhelming. These are some of my oldest friends, and we have stuck together and been there for each other over many years and many miles. Some have lived abroad, some still are*, and even though we’re all spread across the country right now, our connections are stronger than ever. My point in telling you all of this is to explore with you what friends like these should do if they feel one of their own start to slip away. Like, really slip away.

I have a tendency to frantically try and form traditions or push everyone to meet up in a certain place, hoping it will remind us what got us here in the first place, why we all became friends. It worked a few times, but as time has progressed, it’s been harder and harder for everyone to find the time. How do you tell your friends that you’re scared we’re all going to fall apart? That these friendships have been the capstone of the most important years of your life and to think of a future without them is physically painful? How do you tell them that you fundamentally disagree with a decision that has a huge impact on their life without risking the chance that they’ll run from you and that’ll be the end? You want to protect them and tell them how you see it from your point of view, but you know it’s not something they want to hear. Do you lie? Is it more important to protect them from themselves, or to protect the friendship that you don’t want compromised? I’ve been struggling with these questions a lot lately.

They say that it gets easier as you get older, but I don’t agree with that. The problems don’t become easier, they become different, and generally, they come with more to lose. As a Millennial, I see sometimes this mindset with people my age, that if you have a simple disagreement, screw it. You’ve got 1300 FB friends and 800 followers on Insta and Cardi B follows you on Twitter so pshhh girl you’re fine, people love you, you’re doing alright. I hate that. I understand it to an extent, but I hate it. Likes and follows aren’t gestures of love, they’re gestures of boredom or envy. I sometimes think I’m the only one that feels this way. The only one that takes these relationships so seriously.

So the question is.. do I keep fighting? Or is it hopeless?

*Shoutout to Mitch, still kicking ass abroad to this day!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” -Peter F. Drucker

I’d like to tell you a story. Throughout these previous months, I have been flying back and forth from NYC to Oklahoma City. Almost every flight has been accompanied by delays, cancellations, and general DRAMA. I won’t go into all of them, but one of these flights brought me a certain clarity concerning a topic that is often brought up regarding the Millennial generation: respect and commitments. For our purposes, respect related to commitments.

After multiple flight changes and cancellations due to weather and other issues, I was finally on a plane to Chicago from NYC. I had only bought a ticket to Dallas this time, mostly because of the difference in price. I thought, I should easily be able to find my  way back to OKC from Dallas, no problem. I had a friend that was willing to drive to Dallas to pick me up, but with all the cancellations and delays, she was unable to make it so much later in the evening that initially planned. At this point, I had planned to stay the night at a family member’s home and get a ride from my brother in the morning. Here’s where things get interesting.

I’m sitting in the bulkhead middle seat (possibly the worst?) between an excessively self-announced film hand working DEEP in the Hollywood film industry and a burnt-out attorney eagerly asking everyone around him to download a new app he has invested interest in (It’s called Ribbon, feel free to check it out for yourself). In between the celebrity name dropping and general self-interest on my left and the desperation and self-loathing on my right, my exhausting story of unfortunate events is laid out. A woman my age seated behind me then taps my shoulder and states that she was on the same unfortunate itinerary as me and will also end in Dallas late into the evening. She then goes on to offer me a seat in her car, which she will be driving up through Oklahoma City once we land. I eagerly accept, wanting nothing more than to be home as soon as possible.

During our layover in Chicago, I help her and her wheelchair-bound grandmother with their things and get seated at the gate. Here, she begins her vetting process to decide whether or not I am a safe and trustworthy travel companion. Fast forward two hours: we have become friends on Facebook, followed each other on Instagram, and I’ve even spoken indirectly with her husband. I wait until the last second before the plane takes off, making sure that she is 100% committed to our plan, and text my family member to say I no longer need a place to stay for the night. I have now respectfully declined a familial offer of hospitality, and will allow them to go to bed without further word from me.

Fast forward a few more hours, our plane lands, and this woman finds me to take back her generous offer. She states that she now realizes she’s too tired to make the drive and will be staying in Dallas with her grandmother for the night. ***I’M SORRY..WHAT?***

Literally, I was so excited to be able to turn this into a post about how millennials are wonderful and generous and open, willing to help a complete stranger get home for Christmas. Instead, I am forced to write a post about how all those people who bash on us were right in this situation. This 20-something woman lacked respect for the commitment she had made to me, one in which I had altered other plans that were contingent on her following through. Everything worked out, I got a hotel at 1130pm and hitched a ride in the morning, but that’s not my point. I also understand that people get tired and these things happen, she prematurely agreed to something that she wasn’t able to follow through with. I’m upset because I feel like this has become a part of Millennial culture. Everyone follows the mantra of “I must do what’s right for me in this moment, regardless of how it affects anyone around me”. It makes us seem immature and unreliable and I am not a fan.

Honor your commitments people. It matters. **Rant over, thanks for hanging in there everyone**

Dating..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love… but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.” -Mandy Hale

To say I’ve been bored out of my mind lately would be an understatement. I did find out that New York received my California paperwork finally, so my license should be in the mail within the week (Yay!), but I still will not be able to start my job until January. I’m walking dogs when I can, but most of my time is spent in the apartment avoiding the judging eyes of Gracie. I’ve learned that I cannot leave the apartment without spending money that I do not currently have. The other day I went out with Margaret to Urban Outfitters to help her find an outfit for a party we were going to that evening. I gave myself a nice pep talk on the way there consisting of thoughts like, “Remember Mads, you have no money. You don’t need clothes. You don’t need ANYTHING at ANY STORE under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES”. Fast forward two hours and Margaret is walking out empty-handed while I just charged another $100 to my credit card. *Sigh*. It’s impossible.

So I got back on a dating app the other day. Swipe left, swipe left, episode of Narcos, swipe left, Ooooh swipe right, swipe left, some Assassin’s Creed, swipe left left left left left. It’s amazing how collectively short the male population of New York is, considering I’m almost six feet tall barefoot. A few matches later and I’m learning more and more about why I am still single. Carrying conversations with these men is damn near impossible. Here’s an example of one I had with…we’ll call him C (all misspellings and punctuation are as he wrote them):

**It starts out alright,

C:  Hey hows it going im chris

M: Hey Chris! I’m Madison. Things are going well so far tonight, how’s your Saturday?

**Then we start to lose all punctuation and understanding of adverbs and conjunctions.

C: Not bad finishing a paper than heading out to meet some friends

M: That’s great that you’re in school! What is your paper about?

C: Criminal databases

**The end I guess? How do I respond to this?

M: That sounds fun. You’re studying something to do with Criminal Justice I assume?

C: Hellz yeah

And then I was done. Hellz yeah? with a Z? What are we, a 7th grader aspiring to be Lil Wayne? Kill me. Another one started to ask me about travel nursing and then told me he can’t fly because of inner ear issues and deleted the match. What’s even more depressing is that these were the best examples of DECENT conversation. Other men just come right out with disgusting opening lines that I will not allow to be dignified by repeating them here. What are we supposed to do with this? Being a millennial is awesome in so many ways, like how I can order a bottle of wine on an app and have it at my door in an hour, but dating at this age is literally the worst. Especially in New York, where tall straight men with any sense are few and far between.

I guess I’ll to return to Assassin’s Creed and the art of loving myself, let me know if you all out there have had better luck THAN mine, for I would love to hear about it.

Love.

Life Lessons

Posted on by Goingmadss

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” -Alexander Pope

I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve been wallowing, actually.. Engaging in a full on ugly cry fest while wearing the same clothes for more than what is socially acceptable. See, I finally got someone from the California Board on the phone and found out that my paperwork is still not going to come through in time for me to start next week. This means I’m looking at another four weeks of unemployment. You might as well bury me alive, because I have no idea what to do with myself when I’m not working.

What’s worse, I look like the real Millennial stereotype right now. A lazy, no good, entitled brat whining about what the world isn’t doing to help her succeed. I can’t help but that think that the universe is trying to teach me something that I will find very valuable in retrospect, but in the moment, this BLOWS. You can only play so many video games and binge watch so many Netflix shows (What up Narcos? and The Punisher..mmmyep) before you start literally melting into your couch. You think I’m kidding, but there’s an oddly Mads shaped impression in my living room couch right now. I find myself having full conversations with Gracie about the mouse in our apartment (I named him Darwin). You’re thinking “she’s totally lost it” and I’d say you’re thinking right. I don’t dare go and explore this city in fear that I’m going to spend my swiftly shrinking savings that has to feed me throughout the next month.

I’m not sure what else I can say right now, other than to acknowledge that I am living up to my previous assessment that I am the least interesting person in NYC. Anyway, until next time, here’s a video of Gracie with a very impressive branch:

Wish Me Luck..

Posted on by Goingmadss

“One must conform to the baseness of an age or become neurotic” -Robert Musil

8.5 million people in this city. I think they might all be wag walkers. I have spent my morning sporadically dropping everything to request a walk as soon as the notification hits my phone. At one point my phone was across the room on the charger and the Wag! alert came across my watch, at which point I damn near threw the dog across the room in my disorganized flop to the other side of the couch.. and there it was.. the dreaded “walk filled”. Discouragement. Defeat. I’ve become obsessed with trying to ‘win’ walks, compulsively checking my phone. I think this is happening because I literally have nothing else going on.

Being postponed for this nursing contract has left me with a wide open schedule and next to nothing to fill it with. I spent Saturday night deep cleaning the apartment. You’re thinking “surely I didn’t hear her right”. I assure you, you did. I DEEP CLEANED THE APARTMENT… ON A SATURDAYYY. I’ve got to figure out a way to start making friends that aren’t named Sharky or Cubone.

I went to a movie last night with my roommate and a group of her friends. They were so “New York”, I loved it. All millennials and all servers at The Smith, hands down my favorite restaurant in the city (Get the hot chips!!), and aspiring to be big names in the drama sector. Their clothes and their snarky opinions about the film… it was magic. How am I going to find my niche here? I’m a 6′ tall nurse from the midwest.. I might be the most uninteresting person in this city.

Wish me luck.

Wag!

Posted on by Goingmadss

“but the beauty is in the walking – – we are betrayed by destinations.” -Gwyn Thomas

I got some bad news yesterday. My license to work as a nurse in the state of New York is taking longer than expected, and my start date for my contract has been postponed for a month. I’m now living in one of the most expensive cities on this earth, with no income.. cool.

Normally, I would be losing myself to the stress that accompanies this type of uncertainty..BUT I have decided I’m going to learn how to enjoy the journey. As a very future oriented person, the finish line is always in sight for me. I want to fast forward through the struggle to the moment that I accomplish my goal, only to start over again wishing for time to move to the next goal. As I get older, I am learning that this is no way to live. I overlook the real fulfillment that comes with overcoming the struggle.

So while I’m living here, unemployed, I am going to be walking dogs through a new (very Millennial) app called Wag!. It works like Uber for dog walking. Clients will request a walk ASAP or on a specific day and time, and walkers will accept walks as they choose. Yesterday was day one.. and I was bitten. Story of my life. I was so psyched to play with puppies all day while getting exercise and learning the ins and outs of the city. Second walk in.. this dog is not a fan of having a leash on and lets me know it in a very aggressive way. And I started bawling. My thoughts were as follows:

What am I doing? Why can’t I find direction for my life? What decisions led me to be an on-demand dog walker in NYC at 26 years old. Why am I so dramatic right now? Nope! Don’t do this. Wash the blood off your hand and the doubt from your mind. This is where you are supposed to be. This is the journey.. learn to enjoy it.

I get outside with this dog after lassoing its leash around its neck and it won’t even walk. I’m literally dragging it down the sidewalk to get one lap around the block.. like seriously? Why does the owner have strangers walk this cranky slug? I had to use a chopstick and a pile of treats to get the leash off after and left like I had stolen something.

So let’s recap. I’m a 20 something with no idea of where she’s going or what she’s doing and now she’s walking dogs. Right on.